


Abandoned

by Catch22inaRedDress



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, EXBOYFRIEND BUCKY BARNES, F/M, Fluff, Protective Steve Rogers, Romance, Smut, protective captain america
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:35:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16867951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catch22inaRedDress/pseuds/Catch22inaRedDress
Summary: When you arrived at the Tower you were quiet and traumatized having been experimented on by an expelled HYDRA doctor. Bucky and you formed a relationship and while you were still learning your powers and just when you let your walls down with Bucky, he abandons you for a year with radio silence from the Avengers. Now he’s back and your not the same innocent little girl that he left behind. He may still want you but do you still want him? Especially when the last person you thought you would ever fall for is the first person you run to.Warnings: Smut and Language





	1. Missing You

You woke up to the shrill and obnoxious sound of the alarm that Steve got you as a so-called “present” for your birthday. If that was a present you’d hate to find out what he gave those he hated, although you chuckled at the thought. A vibranium shield to the face is what they got. You threw the covers off of you and got dressed in your work out gear. Shorts and a sports bra and then headed to the communal kitchen for some fruit and coffee with your friends. This was a stark contrast to when you first came to the compound. You were an experiment that was kept captive and were like a feral being but they took you in. Wanda was the first to befriend you and then Bucky. After Bucky left a year ago your life was uneventful and routine is what you found comfort in.

This was what your last year consisted of. Breakfast, work out, train with Wanda, watch a movie with someone or the gang, then start the day over again. Missions were the only variation to the daily routine since metal gear solid fled the compound before dawn one day. At the thought of He-who-shall-not-be-named you roughly got dressed and left your room, trying to not think of him and knowing that today was  _exactly_  one year since he left. You were normally able to go days without thinking of him and focus on your friends and training. Steve had said that although he was on radio silence his Stark tracker for vitals picked up he was ok which gave you both some peace for his well being you may hate what he did to you but you didn’t any harm to come to him. You trudged into the kitchen and threw your body on the marble countertop dramatically.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Sam chirped from his perch aka barstool. “Shut it Birdie. If Steve knew how to give a proper present and not an alarm that sounds like police siren from hades I’d be golden.” Nat smirked as she walked in. “By proper present do you mean orgasm,  Y/N?” She laughed as you grumbled. “I will not talk about my lack of sex life right now or never.” Sam sighed in relief and mumbled a thank God for that under his breath. You flicked him off and headed to the gym for your sparring session with Steve. Nat nudged you with her hip and you got up and grabbed a coffee and the other half of Steve’s bagel that he left out for you. You heated it up in the palm of your hand as you walked out with Nat and Sam.

* * *

Your powers were unique and unlike Wanda’s in some ways but alike in many which are probably why you two were so close. Other than Bucky she was the only other person that you were comfortable with the first six months you were here. Now a year and a half later, while you still had nightmares, you were a stronger person and an Avenger. No thanks to Buc—. Nevermind. You were a strong and reliable member of the team and could say that where you lacked in the love department you made up for in friends. Steve and Wanda were your anchors in this hell ridden world. Whenever a mission was more that one of you could handle, one of you would remain and comfort the other and watch movies or in Steve’s case sleep in the couch in your room if the nightmare was too much. He never slept in your bed because you never asked him to. Bucky was the only man who ever comforted you like that, while you wanted to call for Steve you were afraid of rejection and never did. On top of being best friends, Wanda and Steve helped with controlling your powers.

You were able to control your powers in such a way in made you a super soldier, you could enhance punches and jumps and flips. You could put your power behind a punch and your hand would glow an iridescent blue that was subtle but still a gave away that you were a mutant of sorts. Like Wanda, you could telepathically do force fields and bursts of energy yet unlike her you could not do any mind control. You had focused and trained so intensely though that your endurance exceeded Wanda’s and you had come very far, impressing everyone. Bucky and Steve took to calling you Blue when they realized your power and the color it claimed.

[Originally posted by crboston](https://tmblr.co/ZyvuSh2YCETYt)

“Finally, Blue, you’re making an old man outta me,” Cap yelled from the sparring ring. You waved him off and he smirked as you threw your towel and bottle down and walked over to the mat. “Ya ready? I’ve been working on a new trick?” You smirked at Steve as he furrowed his brow. “Should I be scared?” You assumed a striking position and started stalking him as he countered you. You had been working on your speed which was something that Cap didn’t know. It was hard at first and depleted your energy but like exercising anything, you gain strength and endurance. So after several weeks, you decided to show him your new trick knowing it was battle ready. Out of nowhere, you took him off guard and in no more than 5 seconds you leapt up on his shoulders and dropped your body weight towards the mat and swung around, successfully dropping him and landing on your feet. He was out of breath from the wind being knocked out of him and started coughing. You laughed as he looked at you impressed and you helped him up. “Holy Shit Y/N, that is one helluva tric—-Bucky?”

You turned around and your heart fell three floors down and probably tackled some poor intern to the ground. You remained silent and Steve ran to him and held him tightly and Bucky did the same while his eyes never left yours. He looks healthy but his eyes were different, he looked darker and he was battle worn.

“Blue?” Steve just stood there first looking at the both of you and then cleared his throat at the tension. Not even his chiseled super soldier jaw could cut through it at this point. “My name is Y/N.” You started to walk past him and he went to grab your arm and you hauled off and punched him with a bit of power behind it. He stumbled into Steve and he caught him as you quickly left the gym in search of Wanda. You stopped outside of the gym to compose yourself a moment and by accident caught some conversation.

“You ok man?” Steve asked Bucky.

“Yea, how in the hell is she that strong?” Steve chuckled darkly. “Be happy she didn’t pack a harder punch. She barely dinged you there.” There was silence. “She looks better than I remember.”

“Yea, well you missed a lot pal. She’s not the same dame you left behind. She’s not yours anymore.”  You could tell they were walking closer so you ran down the hall to find quiet. You need Wanda and you’re needed a good ugly cry. Its been 12 months since one of those, it was time.

* * *

It was hours before anyone bothered you and Wanda and it was for dinner. You cried your eyes out and then binge watched some chick flicks and cuddled on your bed. She hated Bucky and what he did to you and just let you sob it out to her without judgment. She assured you that she, Vision and Nat had no idea he was coming back and you knew Steve would’ve told you. Which means that he just showed back up, out of the abyss and into your life, everyone’s life. You heard everyone’s excited yet hesitant welcome backs with your enhanced hearing. They all felt betrayed when one of their own just left up and out of the blue just to return the same way and act like nothing happened. You kept listening to conversations saying the same. Asking where he was with him saying “Here and There”.  Hey, you weren’t perfect, you were just as nosey as the next person. That was when Wanda decided to put on the movies to drown everyone out.

Steve came into the room and laid on the bed next to you. His put his hands behind his head and crossed his legs and silently watched Sixteen Candles with you two for a few minutes then cleared his throat. “So…Bucky is back.” You hummed in response. “You wanna talk about it?”

Your voice was raspy from crying and you turned to him. “What would you like to talk about? The fact that he tricked me into loving him, took my virginity then took off the next day, then showed up this morning?” His eyes flew wide and sat up. He knew you were romantically involved and that he broke your heart and that you slept together, he didn’t know that he was your first and only then left you high and dry with only a note saying he was sorry and he couldn’t do this.

“Y/N…I-I didn’t know.” You shook your head. “It’s fine Steve. I mean it’s not like I advertise that shit for everyone. Wanda and now you know. Keep your mouth shut, please. I’m over it and him, just seeing him brought back some feelings but I’m good.” You climbed over him and his ridiculously narrow waist.  and glared at his ‘really’ look and went to clean your face up for dinner. “Don’t give me that mother hen shit Steven. I don’t need it. Besides, shouldn’t you be with Bucky anyway?” He got up and stood in the doorway leaning on the frame. “You’re my best girl. I don’t care if he is back. I love you, you’re my best friend. If you want me to keep him away from you, say the word.” You appreciated that more than he would ever know. You weren’t really a hugger,  you would rather punch someone that give them a snuggle. Save Wanda and occasionally Steve during movie night. But at that, you lunged at Steve and hugged him tightly. It felt so good to have him hold you, someone stronger so for once you felt safe. Safe since Bucky left. He was the only relationship you had and while looking back it wasn’t healthy, he had issues and you were not in a good place with all of the abuse you endured, he made you feel safe. You clutched onto Steve while Wanda snuck out of the room to give you two privacy. You gripped his shoulders and he wrapped his arms around your waist and one on the back of your neck.  "I got you, doll. No one will ever hurt you again.“ You knew it was a promise no one could ever keep, especially in this line of work, but you also knew that Steve meant it with every fiber of his being.

* * *

At dinner, you sat between Wanda and Steve while he sat across from Bucky. You felt bad for the shift in the atmosphere with him towards Bucky but he finally knew the extent of what Bucky did to you and why you were so heartbroken all those months ago. You had never once broken down in front of him and had given him the blunt cliff notes with your feelings turned off and clipped. He wasn’t cold towards Bucky but he wasn’t happy either. Bucky sat quietly and only spoke when spoken to and you could feel his stare on you the entire time. You tried to joke with everyone like usual but it was painful to pretend like he wasn’t there. It even crossed your mind that you would have to leave your home, that this was no longer your safe haven. This thought was quickly dismissed when you took in the faces of your family around you and the memories built over this past year. You would build the wall up and remove everything Bucky remaining. Simple. Starting with pretending like the past you had was non-existent and if he could get to a different place than he was now  _maybe_  even resume a friendship in the future. Here’s to trying.

"So Bucky, how does it feel to be back.” His eyes shot to you and he sat up hearing his name off your lips and your eyes darting to him than to your food. Trying to remain impassive. “Um-ummm. D-different.” You nodded in response. Thank God, Wanda chimed in. “Yea, how so?” You stuffed your mouth. “He looked around. "Little things here and there. Like Y/N has trained and is an Avenger. When I left you were a quiet girl who barely had any control on her powers.” He tried to pick up a safe conversation. Steve slung his arm around you and Bucky tensed at the closeness between you two. “Yea, our Y/N here is a regular badass. When you’re mission ready you’ll get to see her out there. ” Bucky looked at you and nodded. Sam was the one to open his dumb mouth without thinking. “That’s because she trains without a life with Steve. Damn woman. Its like eat, sleep, train, repeat.” Nat elbowed him in the rib and he yelled then rubbed the offended area with a what the hell face. When he caught on he stuffed his mouth, “ I mean except for when we go out to da club. Girls got moves..” You just laughed and shook your head. Idiot.

The rest of the dinner went without a hitch. some easy conversation and trying to fill in some awkward conversation. Bucky still was tight-lipped about where he was but to be honest you really didn’t care. It was your turn to wash dishes so you found yourself listening to Halsey and were singing along when you felt a body behind you. “Can I help you, Blu–Y/N?” You turned around to face the offending voice and cursed the goosebumps on your skin. “I’m good. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of catching up to do so by all means.” You nodded to the common room and then turned your back to him to resume the dishes and heard him sigh. “Look I know you’re pissed at me doll but—” The use of the pet name set you off but you remained calm and turned to him. “No, you look James. I’m not pissed. I was hurt, pissed, then rejected, then heartbroken. Now I’m in a good place now, without you. So you can’t come back and think that we can just be friends. Maybe one day but certainly not  _right at this moment_. You betrayed me when I was already feeling broken. If you didn’t want a relationship you should’ve left me alone. So please don’t.” You put your hand up. He walked closer to you and took your hand in his.

 "I don’t want to be your friend. I lov–“ You ripped your hand out of his and his eyes were full of unshed tears. "You can’t love me. You don’t know how. You left me. Abandoned me after what I we had something. And I’m a new person. Not the vulnerable, sad girl you left behind.”  You held your chin up.

“We are coworkers and nothing else at this point, Bucky. You can’t fucking break someone beyond repair and then come back and try to play with them again. It doesn’t fucking work that way.” Your voice was picking up and Steve and Wanda came in as your skin started turning Blue with rage. “We had something and you can’t ignore that Y/N!” Bucky just stared wide-eyed and you levitated in the air. The dishes started rattling from the energy and the rest of the team came around the corner but kept their distance.

Steve came closer to you and you put your hands out ready for an assault. “Doll, breathe for me.” Steve stood in front of you and then held your shoulders as you were levitating and were tall enough to meet his eyes. Wanda held Bucky back with her strength and powers as he fought her at first while Steve brought you back with his touch instead of Buckys. Jealousy surging through his blood. “Cmon doll. Reign it in for me. I know you’re angry and hurting but this isn’t you.” You shook your head and just stared into Steve’s eyes. “I can’t—Steve. I’m so fucking broken.” You stopped levitating all at once and he caught you in his strong arms and picked you up bridal style. “Get the hell out of here, Buck. Fucking hell!” Bucky held his head low as Steve pushed past him and took you to your room. Your head hiding in his neck with his long blonde hair and beard tickling your face.

“You want me to …stay?” You looked over at him and nodded with tears in your eyes. “Please” You hadn’t ever had anyone hold you since Bucky and no one before him either but the thought of Steve now, it felt right. You had a teaser on movie nights but this was a big step. At least to you and you prayed that he wouldn’t reject you. “If you can’t or d-don’t want t-to.” He immediately shook his head. “It’s not that doll. I just don’t want to upset you further, that’s all.” He laid down next to you unsure of where you wanted him. He knew how guarded you were with everyone and that while you and he considered each other best friends this wasn’t something that you normally did. He stretched his arm out and you scooted closer to him and laid your head on his shoulder and curved your body into his. He slowly wrapped his arm around your small frame and you settled into his larger one. Immediately both of you relaxed like you had done this a thousand times and not under duress. After a few comfortable minutes of silence, his fingers began to run shapes up and down your side as his eyes became heavy and he closed them, comfortable laying with you in his arms. For the first time in a long time, you slept well, no nightmares or chasing the rabbit. Just a much needed full nights rest and the feeling of safety.

  



	2. Stepping Stones

When you woke up, Steve’s leg was draped over your body and his arms around your waist and you were so warm and toasty it was a sin.  It was like waking up with the largest golden retriever on you and he was probably just as loyal too.  You momentarily panicked at the closeness of his body to yours and the warmth of his breath on your neck where his face was buried. Your heart was racing with thoughts running through your head, overanalyzing everything. Where his hands were on your hip and holding your hand. His lips on your neck. You knew it was subconscious and because he was asleep but this was intimate and you didn’t want him to wake up like this and for it to be hella awkward. You decided to skirt out first and avoid the scene and make it easy on him. You carefully wiggled out of the super soldiers grasps refusing to acknowledge how handsome and peaceful he was and snuck out of your room and went down the hall to Wanda’s room.

You ran in and slammed the door waking her and Vis and slammed your body against the door like it was a safety measure from an outside attacker. “Ms. Y/L/N, Are you alright?” You shook your head. Wanda rubbed her eyes and with her thick sokovian accent. “What the hell did that ass hat do now? I can make him piss rainbows for a week and scare the shit out of him.” You laughed momentarily at the thought. “Well, my love, I doubt that would solve anything.” Vision, ever the reasonable peacemaker just smirked. He was always surprising you with how he was evolving and his unceasing love for Wanda, how you longed for that. “Steve slept next to me last night.” Wanda was in mid-stretch as she flailed and whacked Vis on his blonde head. He just laughed it off. “ I think that is my queue to make coffee and breakfast for everyone.” He got out of bed and you took his place next to Wanda. “So…what happened?”

You shrugged your shoulders at her reasonable yet terrifying questions. “You mean after I nearly blew up the kitchen after Bucky confronted me?” She gave you an apologetic smile. “What caused it?” You shook your head. “I want..no I need to find normalcy so we can cohabitate and not have conflict. I don’t know how to do that. Then while I was in the kitchen he came in and I told him I can’t just pretend like everything is fine and be friends just like that. We are coworkers and then he came out and said— he said he loved me. Or tried to at least.” Her jaw was slack and she stared at you. “He befriends you and you both seemingly fall in love. Then get it on, he disappears for a year with barely a note then shows up and wants to be your lover again?”

You nodded at her and realized how ridiculous it sounded coming from someone else. “You’re fucking shitting me right?” You shook your head. “Ok, so then what happened.” She sat in rapt attention staring at you while you continued with telling her what you said to him while you powers flared up.

“Y/N, when I came in I’ve never seen anything quite like that. It was beautiful but terrifying. You were aglow and levitating and the glasses around us were humming with energy. Your hair had no gravity to it at all.” She stared at you while remembering what happened in detail and you shivered at the thought. “Then Steve came in and took your arms and you burned him with the energy but he didn’t let go. Bucky made a move when Steve started talking to you and I know you were there and knew what was going on but it was like you weren’t. I dunno, Steve talked you back and then you collapsed in his arms. He yelled at Bucky and carried you off to your room. I had to restrain Bucky for a while then Tony laid down the law and he went to his wing and we all went to bed.” You shook your head and apologized to which she quickly said there was nothing to apologize for and asked for you to tell her what happened afterward.

“He laid me down and the thought of being alone scared the shit out of me. I grabbed his hand and asked him to stay. I thought he would reject me for sure but…he didn’t. He laid next to me until I woke up and wiggled out of his arms and ran in here.” She slapped your arm. “You left Captain-Snuggle-Bear-America in your bed to come in  _here_?” You laughed at her and laid down on her bed. “We’re just friends and things are all in the shitter right now. Bucky is back and apparently thinks he has some claim on me. He and Steve are best friends. I refuse to be a Yoko Ono. Plus I don’t even know how I feel about him.”

She hummed in response. “I’ll say this. Out of everyone here. He’s the only person that you let your guard down with and you don’t even realize it. I mean besides me, of course. But I’m fabulous.” She laughed before continuing. “You let him touch you when you refuse that comfort from anyone else.” You got up to go to the kitchen and pulled her with you. “I’m damaged goods and golden boy deserves someone better than me.” She went to object but you quickly shut her down and headed to the communal area and sat next to Nat and Sam and snatched some coffee to hide your blush as Steve came into view with bed head.

Wanda smirked as she drank her coffee and ate her fruit. Steve made himself a bagel and then silently walked over and gave you half like usual and then sat down across from you. Bucky was ever present and watchful of everyone. While his presence was aggravating you from last night, you found that everyone else calmed you, namely Steve who just sat across from you with a slight blush on his check hidden mainly behind his beard.

Clint spoke up first. “Whats on the agenda today Cap.” He snapped out of his thoughts. “Um—Yea. Well we have training this morning then a mission briefing a 1200 then we ship out at 1400 hours.” Everyone nodded then dismissed themselves to change for training. You met up in the gym to begin sparring with Steve as per usual. “You good Y/N?” You shook your head. “Actually yeah. I am.” You gave him a small smile and his shoulders relaxed from the constant weight that he carried. “Where is he?” Steve shrugged. “I told him that he needed to leave you the hell alone.” You put your hand on Steves forearm. “It’s fine. I can work with him. He just needs to understand that we are never getting back together.” Steves brows stitched together as he wrapped his hands in tape and you did yours. “Is t-that what he said last night?” You walked over to the mat and he followed you. “Yes. I’ve moved on.” You said it before you even realized it. It came out like word spittle and you stutter-stepped and Steve slammed into your back. “Shit! Sorry, doll. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” You waved him off. Had you moved on from Bucky and not realized it? Had seeing him been the closure that you needed? Or was it Steve that helped you move on. “Earth to Y/N?” You came back from your internal dialogue and looked at the soldier in front of you. America’s Golden boy to your HYDRA sideshow experiment. Hell you weren’t even HYRDA. You were the product of an ex HYRDA doctor and his experiments, held captive for 10 year and now you were a broken 28 year old. You shook your arms out and let some blue sparks fly to psych Steve out and to shake the funk out. You’ve learned that you can morph certain things from the energy. Your favorite is a whip and have yet to use it, time to show Stevie a new trick.

He lunged at you and you sidestepped out of his way with your super speed. Wanda said it reminded her of Pietro with a sad smile and it made your heart ache for her. “C'mon Rogers. You’re gonna have to do better than that to pin me down.” He smirked at you as a few trainees and Nat, Sam and Bucky gathered around to watch you two. You noticed out of the corner of your eye that Bucky was farthest away and by the door but still watching the fight but like Steve said he was keeping his distance, and you were thankful for that. You threw a right hook and Steve easily blocked it but missed your sweep on his legs and landed flat on his back rather ungracefully. He kicked his legs out and was back on his feet in no time he did a quick left-right which you dodged and did a couple backflips to gain some distance to show him your new move. When you had enough distance you threw your right hand out and with the hard flick of the wrist, you extended your iridescent and hypnotic blue whip out. You would expect it to crack like a leather whip but instead made a static sound like electricity. “Holy shit, doll. That’s new!” He went to dodge it but you threw it out and it wrapped around him and you pulled him down to his knees and everyone clapped as he fell. You saw Bucky out of the reflection in the mirror with his arms crossed and chest heaving right before he stormed out of the gym. You knew that both of you needed to sit down but he needed some time and you weren’t even sure what you wanted to say. You walked over to Steve and let the whip dissipate from around him. He laughed and grabbed your ankle pulling you to the ground and hovered over you. “You’re a dirty cheater, woman.” You laughed as Sam cheered and climbed onto the mat. “She will always kick your ass, Cap.” He shook his head. “What can I say? She’s better in every way.” You loudly scoffed at his comment feeling mocked a bit and stood up dusting yourself off. Nat quirked her brow but smirked at you. Damn spy. “Far from it Captain. I’m just a dirty little note in a ledger.” You walked off and he stared after you with brows hitched while Nat caught up.

“Hey Blue, what’s that about?” You shrugged. “I don’t like being called perfect, Natasha. I’m a freak and he knows it.” She nudged your side with her curvy hip. “Well, he certainly doesn’t look at you like a freak. Let’s go for a run with Wanda and then get ready for the briefing. K? Looks like you could blow off some steam” You nodded and then left, happy to run until your lungs burst or you passed out from exhaustion. Whichever came first.

___________________________________________________________________________

You walked around the corner and were about to go into the briefing room but heard yelling and stood back. “YOU DON’T TRUST ME, STEVE?” Clearly, Bucky and Steve were having a row and you wanted no part in it.

You went to turn around and ran smack into Tony’s chest and bounced off. “Nope, we’re staying here just in case we need to break it up, my dear. Plus I’m nosey as hell and I want the scoop.” You rolled your eyes as he held you firmly in place. “Actually right now, no. I don’t Bucky. You left us all. You abandoned your family. Hurt Y/N. Then just came back and expected all of us to just pick up where you left us. We need to do some team building exercises and you need to get to a good place with Y/N. She’s apart of the team and we all need to be on the same page and you two are far from it!” You could here Bucky push a chair out of the way forcefully. “SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO ME!” Bucky yelled and Steve growled in return. “Shut the fuck up and listen to me now, Bucky. I’ll say this once and only once. She doesn’t want to talk to you  _about getting back together_. You need to understand that you fucked that up and move on. Now we are going on this mission. WITHOUT YOU. You can stay for the briefing and get used to how we do things  _NOW because things have changed_. Or you can be an asshole and walk out like you do. Right now I don’t really care.” Bucky huffed. “So that’s how it is then?”

You looked at Tony and he shrugged. “What can I say. You hurt us all when you left on radio silence. Get your shit together. We want you to stay but we don’t want you to tear us apart because you think that she’s yours.” You heard some scuffling and went to take a step but Tony held you back. “Fucking hell, Bucky!” Steve yelled.

“Is she  _yours,_ Steve?” Bucky yelled. “ Are you serious?  _ **No**_ , she isn’t! But she  _will_  eventually be with someone and you need to get a grip.” There was a tension-filled pause. “You need to walk it off Bucky, you can catch the next briefing.” You fled Tony’s arms and hid in the bathroom to escape Bucky. The Bucky that you remembered was dark, yes. Brooding, yes. But this was new. He was nearly violent and scared you a bit with how he would fight his best friend so easily. He needs to get his anger together, Hulk was more civilized that Bucky at this point. You could have a fucking tea party with Hulk compared to how Bucky was right now.

You were the last one to walk into the briefing room and sat next to Wanda and Tony. He gave you a knee rub which made you tense and he gives you sly smile which caused you to whack him upside his salt and pepper head. Steve shook his head and chuckled at you. “Atta girl.” When you look up you saw he had a busted lip and your brows stitched together in genuine concern and he shook his head at you and hid his baby blues to the ground. Fucking Bucky.

The briefing consisted of informing the group that you were infiltrating another HYRDA base based on a tip and it was in B.F.E. Nat and Clint was teamed up to take the inside. Bruce was on the Jet as per usual. Tony was taking flight and making sure we weren’t getting ambushed and covering the perimeter. Cap and you were going to extract intel from the mainframe. Vis and Wanda were to check for paper files and Intel in the basement.

On the Quinjet you sat by yourself and listened to music to calm your nerves but all you kept hearing was Steve say “No” to Bucky when he asked if you were his. He was so quick to deny any relationship. You weren’t sure if you were making it up or if it was actually in his voice when he denied it, but disgust was you caught. Did you actually note  _disgust_  laced in the  _no_  at the thought of you and him together? It hurt. You wouldn’t lie to yourself but you already knew that you and he were a silly idea, but him knowing it to felt like Nat threw a knife at your chest several times over. Hell Bucky and you made sense. Bitch has got impeccable aim too. Steve and you …no. It just wouldn’t happen. Bucky and you were two broken pieces and you two made somewhat sense as a couple. Steve was this perfect fucking star spangled jelly bean that smelled of freedom and tasted like sunshine and honey, no doubt.

“Whatcha thinkin’ bout, doll?” You looked at your hands and made a blue ball of energy out of the air and shrugged. “Hold out your hand.” He did and you transferred it over to his large calloused ones. “That feels odd. Almost like it tickles.” You laughed. “Never thought I’d tickle Captain America. And here I thought you were full of testosterone and pissed red, white and blue.” He laughed heartily to that. “You should know by now I’m not perfect and I’m not A _ll American Man_  like everyone thinks.” You transformed the blue ball into a small snake and ran it through his fingers and around his hand as he sat there. “Penny for your thoughts, Cap?” He continued to look at the blue snake threading through his hands at your will as he leaned back in the seat.  "You seem to put me on a pedestal. Why?“ You shrugged and he nudged your shoulder. "C'mon, doll. It’s me. You can tell me anything. You know that.” Bruce called out 5 minute warning and everyone stood up , you and Steve included. He hunched his shoulders and held his face so you both were eye to eye and gave you the puppy dog look. Damn him and his Captain Handsome Face. “You were put on that pedestal long before I came along, Rogers. I’m just another girl along for the ride.” He quirked an eyebrow and you checked your gun and holstered it. “Say again. Along for the  _ride?_ ” He blushed. “Oh don’t get your spangles in a twist. I mean I’m just another abandoned stray that you found. Eventually you’ll find someone more deserving of your time and then…."Tony interrupted you and Steve’s intense one on one. "Asses and elbows! We’re here. Game time.”

You turned around and Steve grabbed your arm roughly and you turned to him with a gasp. His voice was deep and registering authority. “This talk is not over.” You slowly nodded your head as he searched your eyes for understanding. His blue eyes were unreadable in the dark light of the jet and the hard lines of his face didn’t help. His longer blond locks covered his face partially and you stifled a shiver but pulled your arm from his grasp. “S'rry.” He muttered moving past you to his place in front then you to his right as you all took your place and descended from the Quinjet. You decided you take this moment and put a bookmark in it to read over at a later moment. But for now, you have a few seconds to mutter. What the fuck? To yourself while Nat elbowed your ribs. Damn Spy.

———————————————————————————————————————-

After a heat scan, nothing posed a threat so all of you separated and Tony took to the skies to maintain the perimeter. You held Steve’s six while he took the lead and you two slowly made it to the center of the compound. “Cap, this strike you as a perfect place for an ambush?” He hummed a response and then kicked open the door to the computer room.

You hear Wanda and Vis over the coms. “This feels off, Cap. Like a setup.” He looked at you with concern etched on his face. “Does anything look of importance?” Vision must’ve done a quick scan and then stated a resounding no. “Then head back to the Quinjet and be careful. "Blue and I are finishing here. Nat, Clint, head this way just in case we need back up then we will head back together.” You covered Cap while he plugged in the hard drive. You thought of Tony when you felt the ground rumble beneath you almost unnoticeable. “Stark, you see anything?” You could hear his music through the come, some Sabbath of course. “Nope, quiet as a Church. Getting rather bored actually.” You looked at Steve as he pulled out the drive. “Cap, they’re coming.” He looked at you confused and you pointed to the ground with your free hand. “Through the tunnels.” You could see the realization hit him when he felt the second rumble beneath his feet. 

 

“Fucking hell! Let’s go!” As both of you ran out you were nearly toppled over by Nat and Clint and then took off down the creepy ass corridor towards the entrance only to be stopped by dozens of agents. All four of you stopped and prepared for a fight. Cap saw the first gun pulled and warned everyone then put his shield up in front of him and Nat, knowing you could protect yourself. What he didn’t know is that you were fairly certain you could protect everyone and perhaps even deflect the bullets towards the enemies. It hadn’t been properly tested it in the field or with Tony, only with Wanda, but what better time than now?

You took a quick step forward and Cap called for you but you ignored him and threw your arms out in front of you and started breathing heavily and when the bullets started flying but you had already expanded blue wall up just in time. “What the he-hell?” Clint just stood there as he lowered his bow and all of the bullets ricocheted off of the energy wall and went back and took out all of the HYDRA soldiers ahead of you. A shield that large was new for you especially with machine gun weapons, even with Wanda training you on that even with such a high endurance, especially when the second wave came in. You held strong and they came in without regard for themselves and started shooting again. “Y/N. Are you ok?” You let out a gasp. “I’m not sure I can handle a third wave if they have another one. Be ready.”  After the remaining firefight killed the last of the soldiers off you collapsed and lowered the shield. Cap and Nat caught you between them and stabilized you while Clint took the lead for a bit. “I’m fine Cap… just go.” You had blood trickling out of your nose and down your face. He looked concerned but Nat waved him off. You were never going to be the weak link.

You gained your composure and inhaled deeply and mustered all of the energy that you could and recovered some strength. Nat let go of you tentatively and you both took your guns and took the back behind the Cap and Hawkeye. 6 HYDRA soldiers came barreling around the corner. They were too close for Clint to use an arrow so he went to hand to hand combat. Two took on Cap and one to Nat while the other two grappled with you and tried to pull you away. “What the fuck!?” You spun your leg underneath one of them having them lose their footing and put a bullet to the head. The other was more skilled and picked you up then threw you against the wall, full body and you fell on your side. Nat yelled for you but you shook it off and jumped up. You blocked each blow skillfully and then ran up the adjacent wall and threw your legs around his neck and brought him down to the ground. Then used your whip you snap his neck.  You were out of breath and exhausted from the events. Steve took his arm and put it around your waist as you made it towards the exit and saw more soldiers scattered about the field with Wanda fighting them with her witchery and Vision blasting the ones he could mid-air. Tony was firing at them and Bruce was using the Quinjet to make a way for an escape. Wanda saw all of you then made a forcefield to protect all of you and you had just enough power and adrenaline to levitate the 4 of you to the safety of the jet. You knew that would deplete your remaining energy and piss Steve off but you didn’t care. This was a shit show and all of you needed to get out of there STAT. Tony landed on the quinjet quickly and Bruce shut the door and took off immediately with all of the Avengers safe and sound, with only a few scratches. Steve picked you up and carried you to the med bay and yelled for Bruce and Wanda.

Upon examination, Bruce stated that you were very lucky. No internal or brain damage was done upon the scan and imagining.  Your nose was bleeding and you blew a blood vessel in your eye. Your blood pressure was high but other than that you had escaped unscathed, however, after Steve got ahold of you that would be another story though. Wanda spoke up. “She has incredible endurance when she is only using her power for herself or for, perhaps, one other person. But for 4 people. I’m surprised she was able to withstand that much for that long.” You could hear her rat you out to Steve. Traitor. He walked over to you and knelt down next to you. Your eyes were closed to help with your piercing jackhammer of a headache. “You need to take care of yourself, doll. You’re worth more than you know.” You moaned in pain at the loudness of his words and then passed out when he brushed the hair off of your sweat slicked face. That was the last thing you remembered before the darkness claimed you.

  



	3. Cap's New Mission

You jolted awake and a stifled scream unaware of where you were. You heard shuffling in the darkroom and immediately jumped out of the bed and flew past whoever was in the room and hit the lights. It was Steve and from the looks of it he had fallen asleep on the love seat in your quarters and was alarmed from being awoken from your scream and the flurry of you turning on the light in such a frenzy. His arms were up like you were a frightened animal. “Hey, it’s just me, Blue. You’re ok.” You exhaled deeply, relieved that you were safe at home and it was Steve and not some creeper or HYRDA agent in your room. You had a nightmare and safe to say it freaked the shit out of you, thankfully not literally.

His gaze softened and turned rosy and his eyes darted down your body then he looked away. You looked down and you were in your lace bra and lace boy shorts. Several shades of red gracing your skin to complement the dark panty set. “D-did you undress me?” He shook his head. “No Wanda and Nat cleaned you up and put you to bed while I cleaned up, I just didn’t want to leave you alone tonight. Slept on the sofa. I hope it was ok?” You nodded in response. “Of course.” You looked at the clock, it was 2 am and you were tired from the mission. “I-I’m going to go back to bed. I’m exhausted.” You narrowly walked past him taking in his clean linen and soap smell mixed with leather and climbed into your bed and scooted to the middle. He just stared at you for a beat. “It was dangerous what you did, doll.” He voice was soft yet there was anger underlying it. “And I’d do it again Cap. We had no cover and they were trying to kill all of us.” He put his hands in his slow slung sweat pants and shook his head. “Not you. I’ve gone over it a thousand times in my head. Talked to the team. They seemed to want you. Tony and FRIDAY are trying to decode the information that we extracted. It may be nothing but if its something, ten to one I think it has something to do with you.” You sighed and rubbed your eyes. “I’m nothing to them Steve. A sideshow Dr. made me??” He sat on the edge of the bed and you could see the lines of his face and you sat up. You pressed your fingers to smooth out the creases between his brows with a small sympathetic smile. “You’re special. I have a feeling in my gut that it was a trap to get to you. I need to you trust me.” You could see that, at least tonight, you weren’t going to win the argument and to be honest you just want to rest. “M'kay. I trust you.” His shoulder relaxed a bit and he made a move to get up. “S-Stay. I mean will you stay with me again?” His eyes widened and then he nodded. You slowly laid on your side with your back to him and he laid down and curved his body towards yours. “N'ver been the big spoon.” You laughed. “Are you the little spoon often, Rogers. And with  _who_  do you spoon with?” He laughed and his breath on the back of your neck tickled giving you shivers. “I may not be a virgin but I haven’t cuddled with women a lot. Most of the time they just want a one and done with Captain America-Steve Rogers isn’t really their type.” You scoffed at his comment. “Wow, well they’re fucking idiots.” He laughed and pulled you closer. “Especially because I’m finding that your one helluva good cuddler, never knew I liked it.” He was silent for a minute. “You and Bucky didn’t cuddle?” You bit your lip. “Yes and no. He and I would lay together and console each other during nightmares but not hold each other like this. It was more like holding each other to keep from falling apart. I think that’s why would’ve never worked. Too broken and damaged.” You could feel his face dip and his mouth settle on the back of your neck. “You’ll find the one that’ll make you feel whole someday. You deserve the world. You protect others before yourself and make everyone laugh and keep me humble  _and_  like me for Steve not Cap. You just need to stop seeing yourself as a sideshow because none of us see you as that.” You just hummed in response.

“Damn you, woman.” He leaned over you and you were slightly startled. “ I know you’ve had a shit life and my best friend was a metal-armed ass hat. But my new mission is to make you see yourself the way we see you. Badass and amazing.” You smiled under his intense gaze but in the back of your mind, you still heard how quickly he said No to Bucky when asked if you were his and the disgust at the thought of being romantically involved. Or at least the disgust you thought you heard, it was hard to convince yourself that when he was so close to you and held you closer than that damn shield of his. He laid back down when you rolled over and put his face flush with your neck both of you dozed off. Truth was, you were orphaned and then captured and tortured by the creep show doctor for years on years. Then the Avengers rescued you. You mistakingly became close to Bucky between shared experiences but both of you were too traumatized to be good for one another. Yet, you still loved him and he would be perfect for someone, just not for you. He nearly broke you beyond repair and yet here you were, stronger than before but yet still would any man ever want a woman like you. A tortured fighter with the self-esteem negative 40?

* * *

You awoke an hour or two later to his kicking and heavy breathing, it was like he was struggling with Casper. When you wiggled out of his grasp you could hear him groan and saw his brows stitched together in pain and he was breaking into a thick sweat. You got up on your knees and were careful to wake him. You remembered once when you woke Bucky he grabbed you by the throat and nearly crushed your esophagus. It was a few nights before he left. “Steve. Wake up.” You said in a calming voice. “It’s Y/N, you’re ok. You’re safe.” You put your arms on his damp shirt and shook him gently. “Steve?” His eyes widened and he bolted upright and nearly slammed into you. “Holy fuck!” You bit back you smartass remark on language and instead decided to try to sooth the frazzled soldier in front of you. You went to climb off the bed to get him some water. “Please don’t go.” He voice broke and it nearly killed you. “I was just going to get you a water.”

He shook his head and held your hand to keep you from leaving. His chest was heaving and he held his head low. “Do you…do you want to talk to me about it?” There was infinite silence between you two as you sat with him while he held your hand. You started rubbing it slightly knowing he would do the same for you. “I sometimes have dreams where I lose you, or other friends. They feel so real. …I’ve just lost so many people in my life. I can’t lose anymore, doll.” He sounded so broken and his voice was barely above a whisper. His breathing was finally back to regular and your heart broke for him. He was always so busy taking care of all of you that he never let anyone take care of him. You went to get up and his eyes were pleading. “I’ll be right back, Stevie. I promise.” He let go and you went to grab a cool washcloth and came back with some water for him. He drank it all at once and then you reached for the bottom hem of his shirt and he looked at you confused. “It drenched. Take it off. I promised I won’t take advantage of you, Captain.” You chuckled and this elicited a small smirk from him. You took the cool washcloth and ran it over him to cool him off.

“You don’t have to do this, doll.” He said quietly as you cleaned him up, so to speak. “S'fine. Who says I don’t like taking care of you.” He risked a glance at you and you locked eyes with him. He looked ashamed for some reason and you tried to not let your face betray your emotions at that moment. “I don’t like you…a-anyone, seeing me like this.” You let a dark chuckle escape your lips and he frowned at the sound. “What? Human.” He shook his head. “Weak.” You put the washcloth down and then laid next to him not touching him but still you found each other laying face to face, while his body cooled. The proximity did nothing for your flaming cheeks but at least the darkness of the room hid the color from him. “Nothing wrong with being human. Doesn’t make you weak, Stevie. If anything, just makes us want to follow you even more. We trust you because you’re not perfect or infallible. You hurt when we hurt. You hold us when we cry. Your an amazing leader and an even better friend.” He laughed. “I don’t hold Sam when he cries. He’s on his own, little shit.” You laughed at him and relieved that he had calmed down.

“I didn’t hold Bucky this time either.” His voice was dark and low and he looked at your collarbone, anyplace other than your eyes. “Hell, for the first time I can ever remember I didn’t choose him.” You didn’t want to break up a nearly century-old friendship and tears were threatening to spill over onto your cheeks. “Ya know, it’s ok Steve. I won’t be mad if you go to him, ever. He’s your friend, s'ok.” He still had his hands under his chin balled into a white-knuckled fist as he spoke to you. “It’s hard when I don’t agree with what he did, doll. He wasn’t a gentleman. Part of me still clings to the thought of James Barnes and he’s not him. I need to accept that he’s a different man. Don’t get me wrong, he’s partly him but he’s also a new man which has some of the Winter Soldier mixed in. I don’t think he’s truly found himself."There was a pause and then he continued. "I do think he loved you, as much as he could. Then he ran off when he got scared, because that’s all he knows. Or at least knew to do. B-but to take your virginity and then leave you? You just don’t do that to a dame that you care about …that love you. If someone can love us like you loved him. Love a man like him or me through all the shit that we do. The fights the battles the nightmares and fuck—all of it. You fight for a dame like you, you don’t make love then run off! I-I can’t. I woul—” He ran his hand over his face to steady his outburst. He wouldn’t what? He was so angry at Bucky for what he did to you and it made your heartbreak to know that Steve didn’t have that love but at the same time, you it felt blooming in your heart for him. If Bucky was your first love you felt like Steve was your eternal one. He was what you soul ached for and what was the source of your energy. You would fight for him even if he would never know or want your love but because a man like Steve Rogers deserved to have someone to love him above themselves.

He snapped you out of your epiphany with his strangled words. “He just did you wrong. He abandoned you and… he abandoned us all. So don’t blame yourself, Y/N. This was an easier choice than you-you may ever know. We’ll work it out he just needs to come to peace with the fact that he needs to move on.” Tears ran down your face and he wiped them away and pulled you closer. “Hey…You ok? I’m sorry if talking about him upset you.” You shook your head. “I’m not upset about me and him, per se. I just wish that he and I could be friends and that you and he were fine. That it was just..ok. I’m ok with it all, really. What’s done is done. I loved him and now I don’t.” Your head was buried into his bare chest as you calmed yourself and he held you.

“I think tomorrow we should take the day off and everyone go to Coney Island? Whaddya say, doll?” You turned your head over his heart and could hear it beat. Was it always quickened? You assumed so due to his super-soldier status although part of you wished it was because of how he was holding you. “That sounds perfect, I’ve never been.” He scoffed in disbelief. “You know what I like, Cap?” He hummed in question. “Besides your ridiculous Man-muscly-boobs, I think I like when your Brooklyn accent slips out even more.” You were exhausted and things like that tended to slip out. Wanda said you had word spittle similar to when you were drunk. He just gave you a lopsided grin. “Also, I swear I don’t cry this much Steve, fuckin’ hell.” He rubbed your back. “Maybe I just wanted to be snuggled between your manboobs.” He let out a hearty laugh. “Hey these are not manboobs! They are man-muscles. I could probably crack a walnut with them” You turned your head so you could breathe and chuckled. “Well considering at this position I could motorboat them, I would say the technical term is Manboobs. And the next time I have a walnut I’ll place a bet to have you crack one.” He pulled away and looked at you. “You’re somethin’ else, doll. Ya know that.” You nodded. “If this is how you act whenever I lay on my Brooklyn accent I should start using it more, huh?” You laughed at him and his flirty side, loving it. “I don’t know, what if it’s a combo of shirtless and accent.” You could hear his heart beat quicken and knew it was the serum this time and gave yourself a victory high five. “You’re saying you would want  _me_ to walk around without a shirt and have thick Brooklyn accent.” You paused for effect. “You’re right, that would be a bad idea.” You pulled back and shook your head quickly for dramatics and he looked at you with his brows stitched together, “Yea, how so, doll?” You gave a light shrug. “You have enough women falling all of you, Rogers. That would create mass hysteria.” He smirked and pulled you back in. “Go ta sleep, I’m taking ya to Coney Island tomorrow.” With that, you fell asleep in the arm of the man you had fallen head of heels in love with.


	4. Memories and Misunderstandings

When you awoke the next morning you rolled over and Steve was …gone. To your disappointment, your human size golden retriever was MIA  was nowhere to be seen. You decided to take a shower and get dressed in some jeans and a simple sleeveless shirt and some ballet flats, just in case he kept his word and Coney Island was today. Which, let’s be honest, he was a man of his word hell or high water. Unless a mission came up that is.

You walked out into the common area to everyone laughing and joking and seemingly ready to leave and go out for a day. Bucky was even smiling with Steve, reminiscing no doubt about the good ol’ days and you smiled. You walked over to Sam who held out your coffee and thanked him. “Yo, whatever you did to Cap to get us a day off, thank you.” You gave him a confused look as he kissed your hand and you swatted him away and chuckled. Wanda and Nat just wiggled eyebrows at you, just as he walked over and handed you the other half of his bagel. “Ya, know if you keep giving me half of your bagel, you’re going to waste away, Cap.” He laughed and leaned in. “I may, or may not, eat a whole other bagel before this one just so I can share it with you.” He chuckled as you blushed at the thought of the past year of him sharing this and being a routine and then knowing that he does  _that_. You bit your lip in hopes that your cheeks weren’t flaming red but by the looks of Sam’s shit-eating grin, your face betrayed you.

* * *

All of you piled up in the suburban, you between Wanda and Nat and then left for Coney Island like a bunch of kids ready for a field trip. When you all got there Nat, Clint, Tony, and Sam wanted to ride roller coasters while Wanda and you and ultimately Vision wanted to stay with Steve and subsequently Bucky. You were hoping also to maybe maintain some normalcy with Bucky. But knowing that just being with him and Steve would be awkward as hell, hence Wanda refusing to leave  _and_  where Wanda went Vis would follow.

“So where’s the first stop, Steve?” He smiled and nodded in a direction with a secretive but excited face. As all of you came up on the Coney Island Art Walls and you knew why he would want to come here first. He was an artist after all, before a soldier. “Of course you’d come here, Punk.” You heard Bucky chuckle and you smiled. Wanda and Vision held hands and walked around.

 

You took a few pictures of some of your favorites with your phone and Steve pointed out some of his. You asked Bucky which ones he liked and he pointed out a few to your surprise and you maintained some friendly conversation. You were walking so close to Steve that his hand would brush yours occasionally and you came so close to grabbing it once, but refrained. He came from a different time and you may be  _badass_  as he liked to say but you weren’t confident enough to do that. This was uncharted territory and you didn’t know what to do. You loved him but you weren’t ready for the finality of rejection so you would keep your feelings to yourself.  _IF_  anything happened it would have to be his move first.

Next stop was rides and junk food and all of that amazing fun that you would always miss out on being a full-time world saver.

Steve got a call and stepped out of line while you stood with Bucky, awkwardly. “So, Y/N. Would it be ok if we pick up a few training sessions next week? The rest of the team seem ok with it. I really—” You looked over at him while he shifted his footing trying to find his words. “Of course we can try.” He looked up and smiled.“Really?” You nodded at him and his surprise. “Really, I think it would be good to have you back. I think training with everyone together and simulations will help to get in sync. We all need to be friends on and off the battlefield.” He nodded and looked at Steve. “So…Steve? You guys friends?” You frowned not wanting a fight or to have this discussion and ever so slightly tensed. “I’m not–not trying to fight. I just…it looks like you to are…close?” You nodded just as Steve came over but that was where to conversation stopped and Bucky left it at that. You returned to your friendly banter and everyone loved the ride so much that you rode it twice. Although Vision was confused as to why one would enjoy things like that? Steve explained adrenaline rushes and fun, but really it just turned into Wanda, you and Bucky eating junk food and laughing at them.

You decided to get some hot dogs and roam around separately. Bucky met up with Nat and went with them for a while you and Steve went on the Ferris wheel. “So, havin’ fun, doll?” You smiled and nodded looking out at the scenery before you. “This was perfection, thank you, Stevie.” He had put his arm behind you and leaned back and hummed in response, totally relaxed. “You and Buck seemed to be getting along.” You nodded in response. “He just asked about training and such. I said we could do that. I think it would be good for him to be back on the team and in missions.” He gave you a sideglance and his eyebrow shot up. “The dynamic will change.” It was just a statement and you looked at him. “I know. It’ll all work out. Put me where you need me and who I work well with. Who knows, maybe in the sim and after a while, Bucky and I will work the best? Time will tell.” He rubbed your shoulder and you leaned into him. “I dunno. I like havin’ ya close. I trust you, I know we’ve got each others back.” You laughed and slapped his ridiculously hard abs and he mock grunted. “Everyone has everyone else’s back in this team. That’s why I love it here, although to be fair before you found me I was in a musky cell in an abandoned asylum being experimented on…so…” You laughed at your own joke and he just shook his head. The ride stopped and the attendant came over and saw you two comfortably sitting there still lost in conversation. “You want another go, Captain?” He smiled and thanked him graciously as you went around again, but as you were just disappearing over the top you could’ve sworn you saw Bucky staring at you two from the crowd and you were sure that it probably looked like you and Steve were …on a date. At least to anyone who didn’t know better. You tensed up and Steve followed. “You okay?” You looked back at him and didn’t want to worry him about nothing. It really was nothing, you and Steve were just friends and if you said anything he would just confirm that. “Yea, just …nothing.” You sat back and he resumed his position with his arm around you. “So where ya wanna go after this?” you shrugged. “Cotton candy and games?” He smiled, “Sounds like a plan.” The remainder of the  ride was just spent in comfortable silence with his arm around you and you nearly falling asleep wishing for things that were never to be.

You got some cotton candy at The Tickler and then went for some carnival games and met up with everyone. You decided to challenge Tony to basketball hoop game.

“You’re gonna be my bitch, Stark. You know this right?” He laughed and held a hand over his heart. “Oh please, little one. You know you’re going to be making me sweet treats for a month after I school you in my b-ball skills right?” You rolled your eyes. “Fuck that. I get your best bottle of liquor if I win.” He rolled his eyes. “You serious you little minx? That’s an expensive game.” You laughed. “Are you scared? Ok, how about this.” You put your hand on your hip. “I win I get that ol dusty Harley in your basement that hasn’t had any love since you dad was alive, its a sin.” He thought a moment. “You serious, right now? That’s a 1947 Harley Davidson, What do I get?” You shrugged. “What do you want?” He smirked and stroked his chin. “Pepper told you some things that she may have wanted a while back for her birthday?” You laughed heartily. “Oh, you mean on girls night? Yea. I may know if few things that the woman who has everything may have an eye on….deal?” He shook your hand. The bell rang and the deal was begrudgingly made to be held without the use of your powers. The team cheered you and him on and when it came down the last two 2 seconds and you were tied you prayed to the powers at be and shot and you made it all net while his was a rim shot that ….kept going around and didn’t make it in, at least not in time. You jumped for joy while he  fell to the ground and screamed in mock or in real terror. At this point you were unsure. Steve came over and gave you slung his ridiculously heavy arm over your shoulder. “Well aren’t you a ray of sunshine.” You bit your lip and were completely ecstatic and hugged him. I just bet Tony and won a motorcycle. Steve sat you down and laughed. “You’re a piece of work.” You shrugged and walked off and called out over your shoulder. “So you keep telling me, Stevie.”

After a few more games and a shit ton of ridiculous stuffed animals which everyone conspired against Sam alone, everyone piled back into the SUV and headed home. Tony put his arm around you as soon as you got out. “C'mon, I’ll get you the keys.” You wrapped your arms around his waist. “Sounds good. Plus I’ve got some ideas to give you about Pep’s gift.” He looked down and beamed while you headed up to his level for the new keys to the Harley.

After Tony, you decided you could wait to find Steve to give him his birthday present early, the keys to his new….and by new you mean dusty as hell and needed some love, Harley. He didn’t know which motorcycle you won and while his birthday was a few weeks way there was no way in hell you were going to be able to wait that long. Fuck that, he was going to get it tonight. You walked towards his room and the door was cracked and you could hear him and Bucky speaking but when you turned to leave and give them privacy you heard your name and stopped in your tracks.

Bucky: “I’ve been watching you guys since I came home. You’ve been awfully cozy, Steve.”

Steve: “Watching us?” Shit Bucky. That sounds creepy. You need to find a hobby.“ He laughed yet it seemed to be humorlessly.

Bucky: "Stop dancing around the question asshole.” Bucky wasn’t screaming but you could hear the tension and Steve huffed saying he didn’t ask a question and then called him Stevie like you have been but in a teasing antagonizing tone.

Steve: “Shut it, Bucky. Stevie, it’s a nickname she calls me. Leave it alone. N'ver said I liked it.  As for your questions, yea we’re cozy. We’re friends. So what? I’ve already told ya that and ya need to move on. You and she are no longer t'gether.  _You_  made sure of that.”

Bucky laughed at his answer. “You sleep in the same room, Steve? Friends? Seriously, you gonna give me that line?”

Steve: “I was worried about her. She got hurt, by you. I’m not going to let her hurt when I can comfort her. And  I’ve slept on the floor in Nat’s room before when she was shot. Nothing crazy man, I care about my team and friends. Fuck off.” You rested your back against the wall. It was like a trainwreck that you could look away from. You wanted to leave and yet your feet were firmly planted on the floor. You stupidly thought you were special to him.

Bucky: “ Oh, so you slept on the floor?” There was silence and you could hear a dour laugh from Bucky. “Right, friends. Yea. I bet friends fuck too. They call it friends with benefits these days.” Steve let out a menacing sound.

Steve: “I’ve been here while  _you_  left. I’ve seen that woman through a lot of shit. If she’s upset and wants me to stay with her, it’s my choice to do so. We have never fucked  _or_  made love. We are  _just friends._ I’m just trying to repair the damage that you did to a wonderful dame that didn’t deserve to be fucked for the first time and then left.”

Bucky: “Fine. Either way, I’m over it. I’m good at being friends with her. I just want to be on the team. If you wanna fuck her, you’ve got my blessing.”

Steve: “WE ARE JUST FRIENDS! I don’t see her that way. Drop it Bucky. For fuck’s sake man she doesn’t wan—-…..”

You stifled a sob and your ears were ringing as he kept talking but you couldn’t listen anymore and tried to silently flee the scene without either super soldier hearing you.

You went to your room and asked FRIDAY to keep all visitors out while you composed yourself. You took a long ass shower to wash the day and Coney Island off of you and put the Harley Keys in your desk drawer. They would still be his present but you just would wait to give them to him. You knew that he and you were a bad bet but hearing it from him and him being so dismissive. He made you feel special and then just told him that it was only because he was trying to fix the damage his best friend did. You hated being his little pity project and you had to steel yourself and put on your mask for game night otherwise everyone would know. You could claim to have a wicked headache and cash out early to try and avoid suspicion.

You went out and pizza and beers were already on the table and  _Never Have I Ever_  was already starting. Steve had a spot next to him and looked at you expectantly but you avoided his gaze and sat next to Wanda’s feet and grabbed a slice of pizza and a beer. Tony came running in and showed you the gift he got her got under your advice and you chuckled at his excitement. “Y/N, you ok? Being kind of quiet.” Clint asked as he chewed loudly on his food. Sam elbowed him and muttered something about manners maketh man. “Yea, just have a headache.” Bucky then came in and went to sit next to Steve but he said no. “Y/N, do you want to sit here? I know you have a headache.” You shook your head and tried to not look in his eyes but failed, his brows were stitched together in confusion at your distance. “No, thanks I’m good. You and Buck should hang out more anyway.” You tried to give him a genuine smile but you knew he could see through it. Wanda started playing with your hair when she was done and leaned down to talk to you. “What’s up?” You shook your head. “Just overheard a conversation and confirmed what I thought. No worries.” She glared her eyes and you shook her off and laughed. The game started going around and easy conversations started flowing.

Clint gleamed. “Never have I ever jerked off to JC Penny catalog.” Bucky laughed and put a finger down. “Hey man, things like that in our day were playboys. Plus it was when I had  _just_  come back. Fuck off.” You laughed and then heard Wanda gasp behind you and everyone looked at her. “Hey, it’s not that bad.” Bucky shrugged it off. You looked back at her and she grabbed your hand. “You went in my head didn’t you?” You tried to say it low but you know that Steve heard you because he was already acting like a nosey ass since you refused to sit next to him.

She pulled you around the corner in the kitchen so that you two could talk and she hugged you immediately. “It’s fine Wanda, really.” She pulled back and rubbed your arms. “No, it’s not. That’s so shitty of him. I know what I see in your mind is tainted with feeling but the words are there and I want to punch them both in their perfect teeth, so hard. You deserve so much better.” You shook your head. “I’m ok Wanda. I knew that the chances of him wanting me were …really nothing. So I know friends is all that I am. That’s ok.” Her face showed the heartbreak you felt. “But you love him, so much. I felt it.” You nodded and looked at the ceiling refusing to cry, and put the wall up. “I’m fine Wanda. Please. Just let it go tonight.” She nodded, knowing not to press you anymore, at least for the time being and that when you were ready to talk you would come to her.

 

When you came back out you sat in your previous spot and you could see Steve staring at you while you tried to play along and act like everything was fine and dandy. Wanda, however, was pissed and out for blood. “Never have I ever had a one night stand or pity cuddled someone.” Fucking hell Wanda and her weird sokovian accent and foreign ways. Nat smirked knowing something was going on. Steve’s eyes narrowed and then got a bit wide as well as Buckys.

Sam was the first to speak, “So please don’t tell me I have to drink for each one night stand because, bitch. It’s about to get real. As for pity cuddle. Is that after the one night stand or on a different occasion.” You can assume out of the corner of your eyes she was looking at Steve when she said. “Oh, definitely a separate occasion. Cuddling after sex is ok, but a pity cuddle just to make someone  _feel better_  say…when you’re cleaning up the mess friend has made. Much worse.” Tony unknowingly walked in on the conversation. “Oh yeah, that would be shitty. Especially for a girl to find out that a guy she likes gave her a pity cuddle in that scenario.” Fuck. This just keeps getting better. Steve finished the rest of his beer quickly and Bucky patted him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear and he nodded. It was your turn and you tried to lighten the mood. “Um-n-n never have I ever thrown up on Thunderbolt. Clint pointed directly to you, cursed and drank all while maintaining eye contact and you smiled. Bucky’s turn was next and he took a drink before starting. "Never have I ever abandoned my family and a girl that I loved then came back and did some really shitty things, said some really shitty things. Even as much as an hour ago.” Everyone was silent and only he drank. Tony was the one who spoke first. “Leave it to Bucky to do the most twisted Never yet and be the only one who drinks.” Everyone chuckled and while Bucky was looking at only you it took you a few moments to look at him while he spoke. “I am really sorry. I did things because I was either scared or angry. I have no filter on my words and hell… sometimes my actions. So just feel free to punch me or tell me to shut the fuck up. It may not go well but we can go from there. I’m difficult but I want to be  _friends_ with everyone here. Especially you. Y/N. I’m sorry.” You nodded but couldn’t form words and your wall was still up. You had the olive branch out and knew he was sorry. And for him to do that in front of EVERYONE, well damn. You gave him a small smile and he took that. “I think that’s my cue to go to bed. It’s been a long day and my head is killing me.” You stood up.

Tony smiled. “Wait you never told us how Cap here like the Harley.” Your eyes got big and you shook your head avoiding Steve’s face, you looked at Tony.  "That’s because I never gave it to him.“ Tony was confused and of course, has no brain-mouth filter. "B-but you were headed to his room right when you left me.” You waved him off and turned to leave the living area. “Nevermind. Steve, I have your birthday present. I’ll give it to you later. Night.”  When you looked at Steve he was standing and his eyes were pained. He knew that you heard the conversation, not sure how much, but he knew that was the cause for the distance. He went to follow you around the couch and everyone played busy and didn’t look at you two.  You put your hand up and kept your internal wall up. You could resume your “friendship” tomorrow but tonight you needed to mourn the loss of the hope you had. “I’m fine, Steve. Just a headache, please. I’ll give you your present tomorrow.” Your eyes were pleading with him as you walked away from him and for a second he looked broken, but you knew it was in your head. The same head that said you were special to him and that he cared for you. His words proved otherwise.

The room fell silent as you did a different walk of shame to your room.


	5. Breaking the Walls

Bucky was sitting in the library, otherwise known as the Fortress of Solitude to the Captain, and was currently watching Steve pace back and forth. Wanda came storming in, her fingers aglow in red with  Nat trailing behind with her arms crossed.

  


“So who wants to talk first?” Nat was the first to speak while Wanda just glared at the both of them, Bucky straightened in his seat under the hostility. Steve rubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t even know what happened, to be honest. I know she’s upset but I don’t know why.” They could tell by his face he was bewildered but still guilty, none the less. He knew he you overheard something he just didn’t know the extent of the damage he had caused and if he was willing to fess up, especially with Bucky there.“She heard you, and we know that you know. I don’t even have to go in your head to know that, Steve. Don’t play dumb.” Wanda’s words stung him and he nearly stumbled into the desk and leaned against it for support. He shook his head. “How much?” His voice barely above a whisper. “Does it matter?” Bucky spoke this time. “Two asshole soldiers, what a pair we make.” Wanda took some books and used her powers and threw it at both of them.

“You are a bunch of assholes, truly! We’ve watched you both play with our friend! She’s trusted you! You betrayed her!” Nat put her hand on Wanda’s shoulder to calm her while the men just took the assault knowing she was right. They were at fault and they knew it. Each for different reasons, but still. It was time to atone but first to each other and then to her.

“I love her.” Everyone’s eyes shot to Steve and it was silent, Bucky’s fists were balled up at his side but he remained silent. “I’m sorry Buck. At first, yea. We were just friends and I wanted to console her and make her feel better. But as we became closer and I watched her become this new woman, hell, even before that with her wicked sense of humor and calming nature. Shit, she was just so easy for me to be around. There was no pressure to be  _anything_  other than….me.” He smiled to himself. “I knew she was it for me. It’s not fair to you and I’m sorry.” The women just stared at the two men waiting for them to either fight it out or hug, that tended to be how things worked around here. Bucky slowly nodded taking his words in and he couldn’t find fault with them. “I had my chance and I fucked it up. I thought I could come back and just pick up the pieces but that’s not ..not going to happen. I understand that.” Steve’s head fell, sad for his friend and worried for hurting Y/N. “It’s not too late for you though. Yea, she’s stubborn as hell but you can fix this and make it right. To be honest the only other person I’d be ok with her with is you, brother. As fucked up as that sounds. I know you’re the only person who will treat her right.” Steve’s eyes were red and had unshed tears as Bucky walked over and gave him a hug. “You deserve to be happy too, Steve. I fucked up with her but I’ll get another chance with another dame. She just wasn’t my forever.”

Wanda cleared her throat. “Well that’s all very sweet but you forget one thing.” Both men looked at her as she turned and went to walk out. “I was in her head and felt how she felt to hear you say over and over that you were just friends and that you only consoled her because you felt obligated too. Your words and actions…they mean little to her right now. She’s all but written you off, Steve.” The women left both of them in the library as they went to check on you with no luck. You had your headphones on and asked FRIDAY to lock your quarters for the evening. Tomorrow was a new day and you were a new woman where super-soldier weren’t able to get past any walls you put up.

_________________________________________________________________

When you awoke you felt good. You willed yourself into that mental state, but who the fuck cares? You were in good shape and had a kick-ass power that could take down just about everyone in the tower. You were single and tonight was one of Tony’s epic charity events which you usually dreaded but today you were determined to drink and have a fabulous girls night. While you had never indulged in one of those after a “breakup” from your very limited life experience you were sure to satisfy this need for you. You got dressed in some jeans and a simple black t-shirt and some flats and left your hair down then opened your door and blindly stepped out and tripped over a—-fuckin’ log? You flew into the wall ungracefully and landed on the floor with a loud thump and yell. “Holy fuckin’ hell!?!” You looked around and held your head, Steve was laid out in front of your door one minute and then next scrambling to your side to check your newly acquired head injury.

“I’m so sorry, doll. Are you alright?” You laughed for a moment at his frazzled stated and the fact that you nearly knocked yourself out and knew Tony was going to create a remixed music video to this footage. “Yea, holy shit. I would ask if I hurt you but I’m sure your thick ass thighs are fine. What the hell were you doing??” You got up and he tried to help you but you used to wall instead with your free hand while the other rubbed your bruised head and ego. “Well, I was hoping we could…um…talk?”

You were sure in that instant that if your impenetrable wall hadn’t been in place all color would’ve been drained from your face and you would’ve been a shaky mess. “Nah, we’re good. Steve. No harm no foul. Plus I seriously don’t think we need to talk about how ungraceful I was just then or need to talk about how thick your thighs are or about your man boobs ever again.” You walked backwards to the kitchen and tossed him the keys to his Harley you won. “Happy birthday by the way.” You could tell he was confused and looked like you kicked him harder with your nonchalant words than your legitimate kick a few moments prior. However, he was a big boy and he would be OK. Plus he just got a new Harley and he was probably just concerned over your feelings being hurt, and you were fine. You were going to prove it.

He followed you silently into the kitchen with his shoulders slumped and his tail between his legs, but it could’ve been from him sleeping on the floor. Sam had your coffee as usual and since Steve was asleep on your doorstep you decided to make your bagel while he watched you intently to which you decidedly ignored his piercing blue eyes. You dressed the bagel and put in another for him, heaven forbid he starve, then gave him his half and sat down next to Clint and Nat. Everyone was acting normal yet watching you and him like a hawk. “Your other bagel is in the toaster, Steve.” He sullenly nodded and stood with his arms crossed and stared at his feet, unsure of how to read the situation. “So when are we going shopping ladies?” Nat and Wanda looked up at you. “What? I don’t have anything to wear tonight and I’m not borrowing anything from you guys again. I look like a hot mess because it never fits right and I want to look nice and be comfortable.”

Sam nudged in. “You always look nice, ya got a date.” You swallowed your bite. “You offering, Wilson?” He laughed heartily and leaned into you and you pushed him off playfully. “I’m game if you are.” You shook your head. “Thanks but no. I’m going stag, safe to say dating isn’t really my thing.” Steve walked out of the kitchen without a word and stormed off. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the floor.”

Nat smirked and took a drink of her coffee. “I take it his plan on sleeping door side didn’t get an audience with you.” You stood up and linked you arm with Wanda. “I’m done with mean ass super soldiers.  They just use me to fill whatever void they find or some pity project and then talk shit behind my back or abandon me at first light. Fuck em’. I deserve better than that. I didn’t survive years of captivity for this shit.” You rounded the corner to Steve and Bucky who sat in the living room. Steve had that stupid kicked puppy look meanwhile Buck just looked angry. You shrugged at them, you didn’t say it angrily you were just matter of fact and they could be pissed all they wanted to be. Steve wasn’t who you thought he was and anything you said behind his back you would gladly say to his face. Unlike him. The things he said last night were things he would never have had to the balls to say to your face, that’s why he looks so damn guilty right now. “I’m sorry, did I upset you with something I said?” Bucky shook his head and actually had a smirk, he was always one who got a kick out of sassiness. “I just think we should talk.” Steve said as you walked passed him. “I think I just said what I needed to  _Stevie._ Plus talkin’ …hmmm. I think I’ve heard enough.” You smiled and patted his chest. “Have a great day you two doing…whatever it is you do.” All three of you left on the elevator, you were checking your phone Nat was controlling a snicker and Wanda had her signature witch glare in their direction.

As soon as the doors shut the two women started laughing while you were just staring at them with a smirk at their reactions. “That was epic. Remind me to never piss you off.” Nat remarked and smirked at you and Wanda agreed. “To be honest, I’m not really that mad. I knew it wasn’t going to happen anyway. The words hurt but now I know.” Nat’s eyebrows pinched together. “So you and he really didn’t talk  _at all._ ” You shook your head to her question and stepped out of the elevator and into the lobby. Tony had a car waiting for all of you to take you to the boutique and to ready for tonight and go shopping.

“Y/N. You have every right to be pissed but you  _should_  hear Steve out.” You waved her off and gave her a face to end the conversation. “I have learned my lesson with those two and it would take an act of Odin himself to make me believe anything out of Steve’s mouth, now please. I just want a ridiculous day like in a chick flick where we spend money like try on stupid dresses like a movie montage."You three had a glorious day of frivolous spending and spa’s and knew that it would be in vain because there would no doubt be a mission in the next 72 hours to destroy all of the hard work put into it. Ce la vie. When you arrived back at the tower it was swarming and abuzz with Tony’s minions trying to get everything in order for the black tie affair for the fundraiser. You went to your room and took a shower trying to not let your mind drift to Steve. In the solitude of the shower, you could remember his broken face and that damn look he gave you and you turned the water even hotter to burn the image away.When you got out you dried your hair and noticed a sketchbook on your bed. You tentatively sat down and ran your fingers on the battered outside leather edges. You knew it was Steves from the wear and tear but were afraid to open it. Instead, you held it to your chest and inhaled its scent. Gunpowder, leather, vibranium, pencil, charcoal, and his soap. You sat it on your lap and opened the first page and on it, he had scribbled,

              ” To the woman who has soothed my troubled heart with the calmness of hers. You have brought me peace when I could find none and I’m sorry that in a moment of anger I let my words fail me. Please, see yourself through my eyes. You are beautiful and courageous and I love every flaw and curvature of your being. You were made for me and I realized that in the stillness of the night when while I held you close to me.   I am so regretful that my actions hurt you in any way. My only excuse was to not hurt Bucky and to have him leave me alone in my feelings for you. When I should’ve just told him that I had fallen in love with you.

                                                                                                                                                   Steven Grant Rogers"

You were reading this processing the words and speechless and unsure of everything. You breathing was rapid as you opened it to the first page and a ragged gasp escaped you. It was you holding a cup of coffee looking out at the New York skyline. Steve must’ve drawn it while looking at you from the inside on the couch. He still caught every detail of your framed face with messy bed head and thoughtful face as you prepared for what lay before you in the day. The next picture you must’ve been talking with Nat or someone because you had your hands up towards your face but you were laughing and your eyes were crinkled and he had your cheeks rosy with color but that was the only color in the picture, everything else was charcoal. It was exquisite, the detail of how he saw your freckles..he made them look beautiful on you when you saw them as imperfections. As you flipped from page to page with so many sketches of you, seemingly unaware. Then you found the final pages and you came along to your favorite section. You asleep next to him. You hand under your face in a silent slumber, so peaceful and safe. That was when your first tear fell and the wall fell. You saw what you looked like when you felt safe and how he saw you.You sat the book next to you so you could compose yourself. You had to get your thoughts together. I mean were you ready for this? To trust him? Especially when you had just shut the door and put the wall up? You shook your head and went to the mirror to finish getting ready for the party and regain your thoughts in the process. Yes, you wanted him but trust never came easily to you and once lost you weren’t sure if you even knew  _how_ to give it back. That part was lost to you due to your past and functioning like a normal human. Hell, most of your human emotions were shown to you by Nat and Wanda. Which to be honest aren’t picture perfect role models of emotional behavior. How the fuck were you supposed to act?

You walked out of your room and to the elevator in silence and went to the top floor for the event and when the doors opened the sounds brought you out of your haze. The music and people were everywhere and you went straight to the bar to calm your nerves and found Tony there more than happy to oblige.“What’s up little mouse? You look so blue, although this time not literally.” You rolled your eyes and took a drink of a whatever concoction he made for you and winced at the burn. “That’s strong.” He smirked and nodded across the room. “Not a strong as the look your getting from Cap, over there.”

 

You couldn’t overcome your fears to look at him. “Yea, he look pissed?” Tony sat down next to you and he turned you towards him with a motherly look. “No, more like he wants to punch me in my  _perfect_ God-given face. What gives?” You smirked at him and his ridiculous way to make you laugh. “I think he loves me.” Tony blew air out of his mouth and rolled his eyes with a dramatic gesture. “Ok,aaannnddd, it’s not its a big secret, dear. He’s always with you and draws your like a freaking creeper. Sharon came snooping around a few months back and he told her to shove off.” You looked up at him with shock and confusion at his last statement. “Sharon came back?” Tony shook his head and smiled, knowing he got your attention. “Yea, said he moved on and that she wasn’t for him. She of course called him a conceited asshole and stormed off. But again I ask, what gives. I mean you love him, he loves you.” You look across the room to him and his face is stoic and his arms are crossed showcasing his muscles splendidly and your eyes meet momentarily but of course, you were the first to bow out. You look back to Tony and form words even though your brain is short-circuiting.“In comparison, my life could’ve been worse, but it was hell for me. This past year, sure I may have fallen for him but I just  _knew_  that he would never see me in that capacity. Then hearing him say those things about me to Bucky, well it hurt but I accepted that a friendship was it.” Tony nodded saying he heard the gossipy grapevine what was said then urged you to continue on. “Well, I don’t think I know how to be good enough for him. I mean he’s Captain American yes, but he’s Steve Rogers too. With the exception of last night when he was being an asshole, he the nicest fucking guy in the universe. Unless your the enemy, then he’ll dick punch you with his shield.” Tony laughed so hard that it gathered attention from those around you two. “So what?” You shook your head at the genius billionaire as he refused to pick up what you were putting down. “What if I’m no good at the relationship thing, no good for him?” Tony nodded and took a drink and then stood up taking your hand and then walk out to the dance floor.

“The best advise I can give you is that a relationship is like dancing. It’s between two people, an agreement of sorts that is full of trust and balance. Sure you will sometime’s step on each other toes and fuck it up occasionally. But when you get to the all inspiring spin and dip.” He spun you out and dipped you to the amazement of onlookers and the scowl of Steve. “It makes it that much more worth it.” He held you close and hugged you. “He loves you and you love him, its rare in this line of work to find a balance like that and  _that_  is something worth fighting for.” As the song ended another slow one came on and Tony broke apart from you. Your feet slowly led the way of their own volition to Steve who was on the balcony looking out over the city.

You didn’t want to disturb him but decided that he was worth fighting for and there was no one in the world that you would be your partner. “May I have this dance, soldier?” He stood up and turned to you with sad eyes, still unsure of what would happen and what it would mean to accept. A truce, possible friendship, a hope for more? You took his hand but stayed out on the balcony alone with him as he pulled you close to his chest and took your hand. Your other hand trailed up his arm to his shoulder then to the nape of his neck mindlessly running through his longer hair. The words of the songs took over the mood.

**[Fleurie LOVE AND WAR](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2F39DfJPAUp2M&t=ZjUwNDM4MDgzMzIwZTk4YzBlODZhOWJmNTcyN2E3YWRjZDA4NjBjMCxTMnYxeXp2Qg%3D%3D&b=t%3AWF--1iQZ6lAUqztqxmKo2w&p=https%3A%2F%2Fcatch22inareddress.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F174697087674%2Fabandoned-chapter-5-breaking-the-walls&m=0) (link here if you would like to here it)**

**I’m next in line and my supply is running out**

**It’s time to leave, the clouds are hanging low  
The truth begins to show  
  
Lover, hunter, friend, and enemy  
You will always be every one of these  
Lover, hunter, friend, and enemy  
You will always be every one of these  
Nothing’s fair in love and war  
  
**

As he held you and you danced to the song you couldn’t find the words and he didn’t say anything. You knew you would always be broken but, he would too. The difference between both of your past lovers is that Sharon and Bucky didn’t compliment you two the way the both of you did for each other. You had to take the leap, he laid it all out for you and now it was your turn.

**In life, in love, this time I can’t afford to lose  
For one, for all, I’ll do what I have to do  
You can’t understand, it’s all part of the plan  
  
Broken pieces of the night  
Sing like hollow lullabies  
You and I, always in disguises  
  
Lover, hunter, friend, and enemy  
You will always be every one of these  
Lover, hunter, friend, and enemy  
You will always be every one of these  
Nothing’s fair in love and war**

You pulled away and looked into the bluest eyes that you have ever seen and wondered how something that was so pure could be so tormented. He thought this was goodbye and you could tell with how he held you and in his touch and the way he was breathing, so controlled and yet calculated. He was channeling Captain to maintain whatever he could and it broke your heart yet you couldn’t quicken yourself to ease his pain because words were never your strong suit and this was just as hard for you. Also knowing that everyone was watching from the inside made it that much more difficult to lay your emotion bare for the world to see.

“Come with me.” He brows stitched together as his eyes followed yours and he saw all of the onlookers, you took him to the side doors off the balcony and into the library and locked the doors after confirming no one was there.

He stood there staring at you waiting for you to speak and leaned against the desk as you closed the distance and stood at the edge of his knees. “Thank you, for the sketchbook. For the first time ever I felt beautiful and that was because of you, Steve.” You closed your eyes and took a deep breath and felt his hand come up to your face and you’re unexpectedly flinched and opened your eyes. Steve dropped his hands and looked to the floor taking your reaction the wrong way, as rejection. Your nerves were on end and you were surprised at his touch and you didn’t mean to hurt his feelings and it pained you, stepping closer between his thighs he looked up into your eyes. You took his hand and put it back on your face and he smirked as you kissed his palm and you rested your hands on his thighs. “For years I thought I never needed a soul. I could survive in this world alone. Then I met you and you taught me how to be a friend and a fighter and how to love, deeply. You taught me how to touch and to be touched. My soul has intertwined with yours Steven Grant Rogers and it craves your touch no matter how many walls I try to build up. I’m sorry for fighting you and this between us. For hurting you. I will always choose you and if you’ll give me the chance, I’d —” He cute you off as he roughly pulled you in closer by your hips and put his forehead to yours and gave a small laugh. “I’ll knock every damn wall you build up, doll. I love you  and I am so sorry for everything.” You shook your head as he picked you up and led you over to the loveseat and pulled you into his lap and you nestled onto his thighs.

“Tony said relationships are like a dance. That we’ll step on each other’s toes and fuck it up occasionally. But when you get to the all inspiring spin and dip it makes it all worthwhile.”

[Originally posted by softevanstan](https://tmblr.co/ZU1CAc2TkotjD)

Steve quirked his brow at you and smirked. “Question. Is spin and dip another euphemism for fonduing?” You laughed and out of nowhere the soldier took your face in his large calloused hands and kissed you deeply with his warm plush lips. It was better than you had ever dreamed it could be and you could stay in that lovely moment forever. Later if someone asked how you died they would say she died in the exquisitely large arms of tuxedo-clad Steve Rogers, aka Captain America in the library, Death by Kiss. It would be a headline any woman would be happy to have her name next to.


	6. Never Alone

**ONE YEAR LATER**

As it turned out, it was a good thing you had trusted Steve in all aspects. As your Captain, though he was right, HYRDA did want you for your special skill set. After the encryption came through they had data dating back from some of the first experiments performed on you. You and Steve had spent days going through everything and reading over it all, it was overwhelming, to say the least, but he never left your side as you took down the HYDRA facilities. He respected your decision when you said no to his firm request to take you off the field until he could secure your safety. He made sure that you were always with him and Bucky, which made you the fearsome threesome on the battlefield dubbed by Natasha.

All three of you had an easy friendship, especially when Bucky had found a feisty SHIELD Agent, Sofia, that gave him a run for his money and put him in his place to everyone’s sheer delight. They were a perfect match and to his dismay, everyone would always help her out in every scenario, he was sure it was a conspiracy and everyone quickly confirmed that it indeed was.

Tonight all of you were going to the teams favorite pub and Steve steered you through the door with his large hand on the small of your back. He whispered into your ear, “Don’t think your gettin’ out of a dance with me t'night, doll.” He kissed your cheek as you smiled up at him. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Cap.” He then took your hand and let you scoot into the booth next to Buck and across from Wanda and Vision. You smiled to yourself thinking of how far you’d come. You and Steve were flourishing and all because you finally let yourself be happy. Two years ago you would barely let anyone in your personal space and yet now there was barely a moment when a part of your skin wasn’t touching Steve’s. If he wasn’t near you, you were linking arms with Wanda or Nat, hell, even Bucky was known to throw his arm around you. You and Bucky had fallen in sync almost as if you hadn’t shared a shady past and decided to focus on the good instead of the bad. This was your family and your life. Steve leaned in and put his arm around your back, “Penny for your thoughts, darlin.” You shook your head and smiled up into his baby blues. “My thoughts will cost you more than that, Mr. Rogers.” He smiled and leaned in for a kiss and you heard Tony groan. “Oh for fuck’s sake. We just got here and I haven’t had nearly enough to drink to handle you two making out already. Plus Pep’s out of town and lovers disgust me.” He pointed to all of the couples. Steve pulled away but only enough to say, “No one care’s, Tony.” And flicked him off with the hand that wasn’t on the back of your head. “Let’s go dance, Steve.” He grabbed your hand and led you out as Wanda and Vision followed close behind.

Steve and you had made it a tradition to dance as often as possible from the first night that you were together until now. Sometimes even if it was only him humming a tune from the 40’s in the shitty lighting on the Quinjet on the way home from a mission. He would make the time to hold you in his arms and dance with you close to his chest and it would calm you and make you feel safe and loved. You two had spent so many hours and nights together, he still never made the leap of officially living together and while you did find it frustrating you assumed it was because he moved at a snail’s pace which was fine. As long as you and he were together you really didn’t give a shit the details that surrounded the how’s and what’s. He spun you out and twirled you then brought you back and dipped you in this elaborate and graceful move. When he brought you up, you laughed breathlessly. “Well, you’ve been practicing.” He gave you a genuine Steve Rogers smile and put his forehead to yours.

“Well, all the trip-ups and stepping on toes made it all worthwhile, especially since your the perfect partner. Right now, here. We’re at this place where we had our first real date and we’re surrounded by friends and I have you. I never thought a little guy from Brooklyn could get a happy ending and yet here I am.” You smiled and gave him a chaste kiss. “It’s not an ending, handsome.” He smiled and dipped you again with a shit-eating grin. “Perhaps the end of something and a beginning of others?” You looked at him and heard tremors underneath his steely voice. “How so, Cap?” He was showing off and spun you and out of the corner of your eye you could see everyone watching you, taking in how you recognized more of the bar than usual but it was a fleeting thought and he pulled you close again.

“Perhaps an ending to separate living quarters and more importantly an ending to your last name and a beginning of Y/N Rogers?” He stopped dancing and dropped to one knee in front of you and opened a box with a beautiful vintage diamond ring inside. “Be my wife? Marry me? We can fight alongside one another or leave this world behind if you want. I’d follow you anywhere woman.” His blue eyes bore into Y/E/C as he searched out your answer and held onto your hand with a small smile on his lips.

You were frozen in the moment with your brain not forming words and just stood there with Steve before you with a ring in his hands. This time it wasn’t out of fear or because of all of the onlookers, it was because of the sheer adoration out of his eyes and how it was all consuming and you slowly shook your head and then he reached up and brushed the tears rolling off your face and brought his lips to yours and picked you up. Your legs wrapped around his trim waist as everyone cheered at your newly engaged status. You hid your face in his neck as he pulled you close and whispered in your ear with a smirk on his face as the crowd howled. “I say we elope and honeymoon in Wakanda, very soon.” You giggled as he sat you down and pulled you into the booth so everyone could congratulate you and look at the ring. Nat turned into a gushing girl over it and kept cooing and admiring the gorgeous jewelry. Steve blushed and took your hand and kissed it lightly. “I may have designed it myself.” You looked at it and them him with awe. “Seriously, you may have missed your calling, soldier.” He laughed all the while blushing. How a man could be that powerful and could vigorously exhaust you every night and then blush so easily, constantly astounded you? “Well, when you want to retire and have a simple life…” He pulled you onto his lap and kissed your bare shoulder, “Wanna get outta here, doll?” You nodded and waved said goodbye as both of you made your exit and headed back toward the tower.

“Are you serious about eloping, Stevie?” He looked at you and smirked. “If you want a big wedding with everyone, you got it doll. If not then yes, let’s elope. The thought of a small wedding with just you and me and no chaos sounds like perfection.” You mulled it over and then he stopped you and bent over to be eye level.

“It’s no pressure. We can wait too. Just because we’re engaged doesn’t mean we have to get married right away.” He was nervous and second-guessing your silence and you smiled and swatted him away playfully. “Shut your ridiculously handsome face, Rogers. I will never understand how you can go from confident to a pool of self-doubt in 2 seconds.” You meant it jokingly but he shrugged. “Guess I’m expecting you to figure out I’m still just a skinny kid from Brooklyn and find someone better and leave.” You let go of his hand and jumped into his ridiculously large arms without a second thought and he caught you without flinching. “Whether you could do this or not is of no consequence to me. I would’ve fallen for the skinny ass wheezing version of you or this version because you are the most admirable and brave person I have ever met. And to answer your question let’s get married next month. But lets compromise. I want the family there and I want T'challa to officiate the nuptials. Deal?” He carried you into the tower while you would occasionally see people take pictures of you two and just ignored the invasion of your privacy, so used to it by now. “I think that is the perfect plan, doll.”

* * *

 True to his word, the wedding was the following month on the plains of Wakanda with the King to officiate. The family or formally known as the team was there and everyone couldn’t be happier. Or so you thought.

As you stare at your simple yet elegant lace and backless dress you heard a tentative knock on your door. You hesitated and then walked over wondering if it was Steve and opened it with a huge smile on your face, that instantly faltered when Bucky stood there instead. It wasn’t that it was him standing there but it was his facial expression that caused your face to fall.

“You ok Buck? Whats wrong?” He hesitantly came in and you steeled yourself for the worst never knowing sometimes with him on what would come out of his mouth. “Yea, I’m fine. I didn’t want to come down here and needlessly upset you. It’s just Steve, he’s having an anxiety attack. Y/N, I can’t talk him down and he’s—he’s talkin’ crazy, doll.” You stared at him and took his words in, he was upset and why? Also, how in the hell could Buck not calm Steve down. This caused your heart to speed up as your mind started to race and battle out thoughts, Bucky tried to calm you by rubbing your hands but he found that was pointless. “Where is he and why is he upset? Does he not want to marry me?” You ran to your shoes and hastily strapped the sandals on ran over to the door with a Bucky quickly following. “He’s in his room, he’s just having a panic attack and worried about you. Of course he wants to marry you, doll. He’s just worried s'all. He loves you, he’s just …scared he’s going to fuck it all up? I guess he and I are our own worst enemy.”

You ran out of your villa and took off towards Steve’s leaving Bucky behind with his hands in his pockets, shuffling from foot to foot and running his hands through his hair.

As you came up to Steve’s villa you heard some crashing and when you opened the door slowly he had just thrown something. “Get the fuck out, Bucky!” You used your powers to shield whatever was being thrown and it shattered in such a way to gain Steve’s attention.

“Y/N?” His voice broke and you stood there unable to take a step closer while taking in his appearance. His long locks were in complete disarray and he was sweating through his grey shirt while his normally handsome face looked pained and frantic and you were at a loss as to why. A mere two hours ago you had a wonderful time dining with friends and family and even danced, now this?

A mere two hours ago you had a wonderful time dining with friends and family and even danced, now this?

You decided to go to him, even if he didn’t want you to. Fuck that. You were his and he was yours- through thick and thin. “Stevie, baby. Penny for your thoughts?” You tried to lighten the mood and ran your fingers up his hot skin and he broke away to run his hands through his hair for the hundred time and turned away from you. “I - I don’t think that I can do this, doll.” You restrained yourself from gasping for air and maintained composure for the sake of Steve. You needed to find out why your soldier and the source of your calmness was everything but that right now. You walked back in front of him so he could face you and his eyes were red-rimmed as he rubbed them harshly to wipe away the remnants of tears.

“Talk to me, Steven. This isn’t you, remember it’s me. You can tell me anything.” You reached out again and he took a few steps backward and shook his head. “I’m no good for you, doll. I sat tonight and you—.” He shook his head at some memory and collapsed into the plush chair in the corner of the room and you took your chance and walked over to him, climbing onto his lap. You could see his full body tense at the closeness of yours to his at this moment and his hands gripped the arms of the chairs causing them the strain under the pressure. Normally your touch would soothe him and it pained you to see him in such a state but you needed to break through to him. You had built up enough walls to know what they looked like and you needed him to know that no matter how hard he pushed and tried you would never leave him. All those years alone were in the past and he had you now, hell or high water. You firmly took his face in your hands and turned him to look at you and searched his eyes. “I’m here. Now. I need you to talk to me, Steve. Please.” He looked down but nodded and you moved your hands to his chest instead. 

“I saw you there, next to me, talking with all of our friends. You were so carefree and laughing and shit, doll. You were a vision of perfection. I just-just —I don’t know if I can give you the life that you deserve. Even if we decide to lay roots down somewhere and quit this life, it’s all that I know. What if I’m no good at it?” He finally looked at you after he voiced all of his fears and searched your face for understanding. “So, we figure it out together. You don’t think I look at you and think, ‘Shit this man is damn near perfection carved by the gods. I don’t deserve him?’ Well, yeah. I’ve had those moments, sure. But you’re mine and I’m yours, we are stuck together whether you like it or not, Rogers.” You ran your thumb over his lips and then chastely kissed him. “I love you Steven Rogers and I’m not giving up on you, ever. I know your scared and worried and have lost so much but don’t push me away for fear of losing me. You’re smarter than that.”

He shook his head and looked away as a few more tears escaped from his bright baby blue eyes. You wrapped your arms around him and put your head in the crook of his neck and silent tears ran down your face. “Marry me, Steve. I want to be your wife more than anything in this world. The rest we will discover as we go along,  _together_  if you’ll have me.” Your voice was broken and low but you could tell by his breathing and his super soldier hearing that he caught every word. His arms wrapped around your frame and his hands gripped your shirt so tightly you thought he would rip it off unintentionally. His voice was ragged and shattered. “I’m so sorry, doll. I didn’t mean to scare you, I was just so afraid and I–I didn’t know what to do. I love you.” You pulled back and he studied your eyes for any anger or hesitation. “Will you still have me?”

You put your forehead to his. “Till the end of the line.” His eyes were alight as his lips crashed on yours. It was heavy and passionate, filled with need and lust. His tongue invaded your mouth and your lips nibbled on his plump lower one and he moaned. Sex with Steve was very fulfilling and some nights you would make love until the sun came out. To say that he was generous lover was an understatement in all areas. Right now though, this was different. It was full of need and as though he wanted to take claim of what was his. Not as in jealousy but more as in husband and wife even though it wasn’t official, not yet. He had all but resigned to not having that life a short time ago and now he wanted everything, and he wanted it now.

His hands were rough and needy as they bruised your hips and tore into your dress. You moaned at the feel of the delicious pain and he was unapologetic in his ministrations to which you found delightfully un Steve-like. While you adored your lovemaking with Steve the all-consuming hunger that he had for you right now was breathtaking, literally. You broke apart and saw his eyes were nearly black with lust. His voice was dark and husky with desire. “I need you now.” You just nodded at him as his warm and swollen lips attacked your neck and you silently hoped that you had makeup strong enough to conceal any marks he left.

He tore the dress off of you and gasped sound of the fabric tearing the roughness of the action. His breathing was heavy and his chest was heaving up and down as he took in your bare chest. “No, bra for your Captain?” You shook your head. “I need words, doll.” You bit your lip and managed to mutter out something resembling a no.

His large calloused hands took in your breasts and pinched your hardened nubs as your hips rolled into him and he let out an animalistic groan that made you even more wet with desire. You reached forwards and pulled off his shirt so you could see and kiss his bare skin. He was wearing entirely too many clothes while you were naked and needy, grinding on his jean-clad lap like a wanton woman. Your lips attacked his neck and your nails scratched down his torso and abs to the buttons on his jeans and he lost it. He picked you up and turned towards the wall closest to you two. “Fuck, doll. I need to be inside ya now. I can’t wait anymore. I need to feel your pussy.” You broke away as one of his large hands gripped your ass and the other lined himself up at your entrance. You pulled back to look into his nearly black eyes. “I need you to fill me up, Steve. Please. Give it to me. Make me yours.” He growled at your request and will one movement he was inside of you, swift and with the ease of your arousal. Both of your moans were certainly heard across the valley but neither of your cared right now. All he wanted was you and to make you his, now and forevermore. He had nearly thought of risking it all over self-doubt and anxiety and lost his mind at the idea. This action was bringing him back to where he needed to be, beside you.

His thrust was deep and hit right where you needed him to be and the fluttering of your walls around him let him know what he did to you. You bit his shoulder and his even though you didn’t think it was possible the man went even deeper and harder. “I need to hear you, doll. Hear you scream my name. I want everyone to know that your mine. F-fuck. You’re so tight around my cock.” You gripped his hair tightly and as you were coming you screamed out his name like a prayer, over and over again, causing him to come. He pressed you against the wall with sweat-slicked bodies holding each other tightly as you both caught your breath. After a few moments, he walked over to the bed and laid you both down as he stroked you back while you lay naked with you leg draped over his muscular thigh.

“I’m sorry, doll. I really am. I had a panic attack and I became my own worst enemy.” You sat up to look at him and gave a soft smile to ease his guilt. “It’s ok, Stevie. Really. We’ll figure it out together but you are marrying me tomorrow whether you like it or not.” He gave you a chaste kiss on your currently swollen and red abused lips. “Did I hurt you?” You shook your head. “Nothing that I didn’t like. I have to say, Cap, we should do that more often.” He let out a deep throaty laugh, “Anything my best girl wants.”

You looked over at the clock as it was just before midnight and you gasped and jumped out of bed and went to grab your clothes but Steve had destroyed them. Instead, you grabbed his dress shirt from dinner and you sandals while he looked at you inquisitively. “It’s just before midnight. You’re not supposed to see the bride before the wedding on the day of.” He smiled and the pointed to the door and you ran to the exit but not before looking back at him, looking so relaxed with his legs exposed beyond the sheet and his torso uncovered. “Need a picture, Cinderella?” You smiled at him before you ran out of the door and back to your villa hoping not to run into anyone during your flee of shame.

* * *

The next day was perfection. You did have some explaining to do regarding the attack you received from Steve’s mouth all over you neck. But it was easily healed by Shuri and she was happy to tease you in the process, she asked about healing the bruises on your hips and thighs but those you graciously declined since they were hidden under your dress. You opted for simple make up and when the time came to walk out to Steve you were a shaking mess.  You were nervous and were delightfully surprised when Bucky walked up to your hut. “Thought you could use some company, doll.” Even though it was a long and dark road, you loved the bastard and all his quirks. Truth be told you had even found yourself helping him some nights when Steve didn’t wake up and Sofia didn’t stay over if he had a nightmare. He held out his arm and held a shy smile on his handsome face. “I’d never let you fall again. I’d be honored….if…you’d want to take a short walk with me? I got a fella waitin’ for ya.” You smiled at him and held out a shaking hand while he took it and lace it around his metal arm and led the way to Steve.

  


 

You looked up and saw him in a handsome blue suit with his hair slicked back and he was smiling at you as you made your way to him. There were tears in his eyes and a smirk on his lips as King T'challa asked who give you away and Bucky spoke. “I suppose that’d be me.” He kissed your cheek and went to stand with the others off to the side.

Steve lent in and kissed you and T'challa just laughed. “Steve, that comes later.” He shrugged and righted you in front of him but still held your hands. “I’ll kiss her every chance I get. Now please marry us. I need to get on kissing  my one and only, Mrs. Rogers.”


End file.
